Happiness: how the coaching profession can strengthen happiness

Both in Britain and the United States scientists have been studying the concept of happiness. It is believed that happiness can now be measured and therefore it is the responsibility of governments to develop policies which improve the happiness of its citizens.

 

Here in Britain Professor Richard Layard is following in the footsteps of the King of Bhutan and putting happiness on the political agenda. He is planning to have CBT taught in British schools as a way of strengthening emotional intelligence.

It is believed, by a number of psychologists that emotional intelligence is more important than intellectual intelligence in terms of success and happiness. The author will explore concepts of happiness and the ways in which the coaching profession contributes to strengthening happiness.

 

Studies into happiness

 

A study by the BBC Press Office (2006) states that although Britons are twice as well off as they were in the 1950s they are no happier. Eight of ten people wanted the key objective of the government to be “to make people happier” The vast majority (81%) of British people wanted happiness to be the main concern for the government and only 13% thought it should be to make people wealthier. 

 

Historical perspective

 

The idea of happiness being important to human development is not new; the Greek philosopher Epicurus (306 BC) dedicated much of his time to the question of happiness. He argued that “although wealth was unlikely to make anyone miserable, wealth alone would not make people truly happy”. He went on to say that “if we had money without friends, freedom and an analysed life, we will never be truly happy; and if we have them but are missing a fortune, we will never be unhappy” (cited in Consolations of Philosophy by Alain De Botton 2006)

 

 

Epicurus divided our needs into three categories of desires; some are natural and necessary, others are natural and unnecessary and some are neither natural nor necessary.

 

 

Natural and Necessary	Natural but unnecessary	Neither natural or necessary
Friends Freedom Thought  - about the main sources of anxiety- death, illness, poverty and superstition	Grand house Private baths Banquets Servants Fish and meat	Fame Power

 

 

Epicurus believed that happiness is dependant on a number of psychological factors and not based on material wealth, save for having the means to provide food, shelter and cloths. He found no correlation between increased wealth and greater happiness.

 

Many Greek philosophers including Aristotle believed that “a rich man is a person who has enough.” Aristotle 38 – 322 BC.

The idea of appreciating what one has is encouraged within the coaching relationship and coaching tools support individuals to cherish what they have, not what they don’t have. In pursuit of this coaches encourage clients to keep a Gratitude Journal to re wire the brain to appreciate what they have. Jack Canfield and D.D Watkins explain this principle in detail in Honour and Appreciate the Abundance in Your Life (2007)

 

What Social Scientists say about happiness

 

Abraham Maslow proposed in his 1943 paper A Theory of Human Motivation, that human happiness resulted from meeting all ones hierarchical needs starting with basic needs and building up to more advanced needs like a pyramid. Starting with basic needs, like food and shelter and moving through to self actualisation.  Once the four lower levels are met, time and effort can be devoted to seeking to satisfy growth needs; it is these needs that the coaching professional focus on.  Something which Maslow refers to as Self Actualisation included:-

Morality

Creativity

Spontaneity

Problem solving

Lack of prejudice

Acceptance of facts.

 

Maslow’s hierachy of needs would suggest that in a countries where the basic needs of the population have been met that the people would be happy; but is this  the case in the West?

Captalism and Ego

Western captalism works hand in hand with the ego which believes that things outside ourselves bring happiness.We are bombarded with marketing messages designed to make us feel insecure and dissatified. Adverts suggest that if we purchase a particular car we will be imbued with a set of psychological characteristics for example “ it may be a 4×4 that we purchase but it was freedom that we were looking for” ( Alain De Botton 2006)

Products give the impression that we can be part of a select, sophisticated group if we buy this or that product. This in turn sets off a series of emotional responses “I need, I want, I must have”. But all these thoughts about what we “need” simply add to the sum of human suffering. For some people the gap between aspiration and reality becomes wider and painful for others they achieve material success only to find that it does not give them the satisfaction they expected (David Bates Tree of life Coaching 2008) 

According to Judith Summer Brown Professor at Naropa University Colorado the origin of suffering is our constant craving; we want therefore we consume,we want therefore we suffer.

This whole pattern gives us the impression that we can only be happy by external things; purchasing things that we do not need perpeturates the myth that happiness exists out there,that something is missing within us that must be safisified by an external source (Buddhist Philosopher Daisaku Ikeda 2008)

What is happiness?

Professor A.C Grayling suggests that instead fo talking about happiness we need to specifically talk about satisfaction, achievement, interest, engagement, enjoyment, growth and the constant opening of fresh possibilities. The activities that yield these things are challenging and take effort and determination. “A person in the midst of doing something objectively worthwhile may not describe himself as happy, usually because he is too absorbed to notice; only later will he realise that what it is to be happy is to be absorbed in something worthwhile” Printed in the Daily Telegraph June 2008)

A man is poor, however, who despite owning millions of pounds is restless and yarns for more because he feels that he cannot have enough, and in particular who lacks the things that money cannot buy; friendship, love, a sound digestion and the natural ability to sleep at night. These factors are inseparable to the possiblity of happiness and things that money cannot buy.(Alain De Botton 2006)

The true equation between happiness and wealth according to   Professor A.C Grayling is this: that happiness is wealth. Unlike wealth, in the form of money and possessions, happiness  cannot be quantified only felt, and if one has it, it does not matter if the level changes. ( cited on the Positive Psychology message board June 2008)

Measuring Happiness

Measuring happiness is difficult by the very nature of its subjectivity, however the Macroeconomic of Happiness Research Team produced the following equation:-

W =a +Bx it +E it . In this equation W is reported as well-being of the individual i at the time, t and x is a vector of known variables, which include socio-demographic and socio-economic characteristics. (Rafael Ditella, Robert Macculloch and Andrew J Oswald 2001)

How Coaching Strengthens Happiness

Whether we are happy or not is matter a choice. According to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy there is an indisputable link between our

THOUGHTS = FEELINGS = ACTIONS  

Whether we are happy or not is largely to do with choice. This may sound like a tall order but with careful coaching clients can strengthen their personal power by developing and understanding that they have one thing that they can fully control their thoughts. According to Brian Tracy “the only thing we truly have control over is our thoughts.” The Psychology of Achievement 1984 he went on to say- People are happy when they are “in control”, that is, when they feel competent to satisfy their needs and reach their goals.

“We are what we think. All that we are arises within our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. The Buddha circa 563- 483 BC.

Understanding that we can control what we think.

With the aid of a professional Life Coach individual’s can learn to notice their thought patterns and decide whether such thoughts are helpful or not.  Careful questioning enables individuals to understand how they have been hard wired to think and react in a certain way. Coaching effectively helps individuals to gain control over their thoughts and encourages them to replace unhelpful, judgmental thoughts, with accepting and empowering ones.  

Coaches have many tools at their disposal to encourage a change of thought patterns and strengthen positive thought processes.  Here are just a few of the tools available to Coaches adapted from the Power Tools Module located at learn.icoachacademy.com/powertools

Responsibility v Blame

 

 

Many people, when they hear the word “responsibility” immediately associate it with burden or having to carry a load. Ironically it is exactly the opposite. Responsibility leads to freedom. The feeling of having freedom is directly linked to the feeling of happiness.

When we blame others or ourselves (self blame is having a guilty conscious) we disempowered ourselves, and in so doing, deplete our energy levels.   Choose to take responsibility for dealing/managing a problem.  This then creates feelings of empowerment and freedom.

 

Trust v Doubt

 

This power tool can be applied quickly and easily and lead to a change of perspective from negative to positive. It can be applied to any situation, both big and small. If we believe, and trust that the universe is looking after us, rather than conspiring against us and ready to trip us up. This shift helps to manage stressful and, fearful situations. Living with a sense of trust gives us as sense of confidence and security which again brings freedom into our lives and in so doing increases a sense of happiness.

 

Response v Reaction.

 

When we react to some thing we get hooked in and behave without any aforethought. When we respond we apply our intelligence. The act of response becomes an act of freedom and consequently has power within it. It is by definition an action of responsibility. Reaction however, comes from somewhere in the past and leads us to get sucked in to events in the past and getting stuck in the same old pattern. By applying this positive psychology it enables us to stay in the present, the here and now. By practicing a mental attitude of being in the here and now (living in the present) happiness levels can increase because individuals can practice the power of choice.

 

Action v Delay

 

The art of coaching is goal orientated we know that when a person decides on a goal or to fulfil a desire; we must first conceive an idea, having an idea is the first step; we then create a plan and know what it is we want.  Action brings results, talking about what you are going to do someday will not! Ideas without action are worthless. By taking action we create the movement that is necessary to make things happen. In so doing Coaches assist their clients to have a sense of direction and a purpose and research has indicated that having purpose is one of the necessary ingredients of a happy state of mind.

For a more detailed look at using power tools in the coaching relationship refer to learnicoachacademy.com

 

 

 

Conclusion

 

Having established that there is no link between material wealth and happiness save for having enough money to provide food and shelter the key to happiness is to have friends, goals, and purpose and positive thoughts.

 

There is a well documented link between thoughts and feelings “As a man thinketh in his heart so he is” (James Allen 1902).  A person is literally what they think about all day long; their character is the sum of their thoughts.

With these firmly established coaches have a major part to play in improving happiness because this profession has the tools and the skills in which to enable individuals to consider a problem from a different perspective and let go of unhelpful thinking. The happiest people in the world are those who feel absolutely terrific about themselves, and this is the natural outgrowth of accepting total responsibility for every part of their life (Brian Tracy 1884).

 

 

 

 

The Power of Forgiveness

The Power of Forgiveness

 

 

What would it be like to live your life without guilt?

 

The Oxford English dictionary defines guilt as:-

 

a) The fact or state of having done something wrong or committed an offence.

b) Responsibility for a criminal or moral offence, deserving punishment or penalty.

c) Remorse or self reproach caused by a feeling that one is responsibility for a wrong doing or an offence.

This  concept may be  reinforced  by certain religious ideologies ,  which  hold the view that  mankind  was  born  sinful and imperfect. This belief can have a negative effect on the way we perceive ourselves.

Guilt is used to control, punish and manipulate people. It is used by parents, because it is a very effective way of controlling behaviour, and it works!

 

A person brought up with guilt can be recognised on a number of levels. Adult manifestations of this are visible when people say things that reflect that:-

1. They are undeserving of good things happening to them, they feel inadequate (also called the fear of success) during my coach training this was identified as a U.A.C.  Underlying Automatic Commitments or Limiting Self Belief; in hypnotherapy it is referred to as Premature Cognitive Commitment.   It all means similar things.

2.  They practice destructive self criticism.  

People who say “I am always late, I cannot remember names”  “I am rubbish at this or that” are all stuck in a habit of self criticism; it is likely that others can use guilt on them quite easily.

 

Brian Tracy in his paper  “The  Psychology of  Achievement “believes that the world is divided up  into” guilt throwers” and “ guilt  catchers” and  like  a  magnet, guilt throwers and  guilt  catchers  are drawn to  one another and  produce off spring  who become  guilt throwers and  guilt catchers.

It can be described as an intrinsic feature of human personalities.   

 

RECOGNISING GUILT.

It is useful to identify any underlying UACs this can be done by listening to:-   

Victim language This is a plea that the person is not guilty

I am sorry…

I didn’t mean to…

It’s not my fault…

Each statement is trying to absolve responsibility. Other statements may include:-

I wish I could lose weight…

I wish  I  could get  a  better  job ( but I  know I can’t )  when we say” I wish” we are  relaying to our subconscious that  we are not in control of  our own lives.

To change this guilt based UACs we can:-

1. Make a commitment not criticise ourselves and other people.

2. Refuse not to be manipulated by guilt; if you notice this encourage yourself to say to the person stop! Are you trying to make me feel guilty here “? and smile.

 

3. Refuse to use guilt or blame on anyone else. When we blame we look back to what cannot be undone, when we take responsibility, we can look forward.

4. One of the most power responses to guilt is the POWER OF FORGIVENESS  

Most people carry around bitterness and anger from the past.

Having recognised victim language we may want to ask some higher level questions to explore why we feel that we have done something wrong.  To explore this further it may be helpful to:-

• First forgive our parents. Many of us are still angry about what our parents did or did not do for us.

Parents are normal people and they make mistakes.  Forgive your parents 100% for all the injustices you may feel that they bestowed upon you. (See Philip Larkin’s poem about parents)

• Make a statement to yourself or write it down in the form of a letter.

We cannot interact with our parents as friends and adults until we have forgiven them.

• Then encourage yourself to forgive anyone else!!!

We need to be free and generous towards others and keep on forgiving each other each and everyday.  It’s important to note that you do not have to like the person to forgive them. The process of forgiveness is for your benefit and not theirs.  

• Forgive yourself and for all the mistakes you have made.   

 

Suggestions for self development    

1. Choose one person who has used guilt on you and write a letter to them (not necessarily to post) telling them that you now forgive them.

How did this make you feel?

2. Choose a person who has upset you (wronged you) in the past two weeks and decide to forgive them.

How did this make you feel?

3. Notice ways that you may criticise yourself and ask yourself “would you talk to your best friend like this?”  And the reasons why you would not.

4. To change the pattern of self criticism make a game of it. Each time you notice that you are being self destructive. Stop and smile and choose to forgive and let go. 

5 Remember the Lord’s Prayer “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and put it into practice each and every day.  

By doing this we let go of the past and stop dragging it around with us which supports us in living in the present and living in the now, not the past not the future but the here and now.

 

Live in the present

Let go on the past

Trust in the future

 

 

 

 

 

 

The most depressing day of the year

According to health psychologist Cliff Arnall, based at Cardiff University, the most depressing day of the year is fast approaching! Last year it was calculated to fall on the 23^rd January and this year it will fall on Monday 22^nd.  In order to calculate the lowest emotional point of the year, he came up with the following mathematical formula:-  

1/8W + (D-d) 3/8XTQMxNA   

This formula is not applicable to people with clinical depression but can be applied to fully functioning individuals. The formula is derived from:- §         The dreariness of the weather (W). January always looks bleak when the festive lights are taken down.§         The arrival of the maxed out credit card bills (D) minus the monthly salary (d).§         The time lapse from Christmas.§         Failing to keep those New Year’s resolutions to quit a bad habit or lead a healthier life (Q).§         Low motivation levels as a result of the above and the need to take action but not actually taking any (M) x (NA) or non -action. The most depressing day falls on the Monday closest to the 24th January because, as we all know, Monday is considered to be the most disliked day of the week. The holiday industry has got this one sussed, it’s no coincidence that we are bombarded with adverts to escape to the sun, or at least book your summer holiday. This fulfils our need to take action, and give us something to look forward to. Deep down, however, this may well be adding more pressure because of the cost of the holiday; so in fact the booking of the ubiquitous holiday, can in fact increase worry and debt. §         Arnall’s research was actually funded by the holiday industry, but has nevertheless been borne out by how individuals feel at this time of the year. You only need to ask around your place of work; in the office or factory, and you hear people say that they are fed up with the dark nights. It saps our energy and makes us feel blue.        Some people experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and require a daylight box to lift their spirits. Research, particularly in the fields of psychology, sociology and economics has brought to light a paradox in today’s society. Most people strive for more money, a bigger house, bigger salaries and a better car. Research has showed us that once our basic needs have been met and we earn enough money to feel comfortable, there is absolutely no correlation between increased wealth and increased happiness. On the contrary, people are becoming increasingly unhappy and uneasy with their lives. Within the field of psychology there has been a new discipline, Positive Psychology which was developed to seek to understand positive emotions and how they impact on our happiness.  Notwithstanding the role of genetics, it asserts that we can learn to live within the higher range of our happiness levels (M. Seligman 2002). This concept is not new; some of you may remember a book called ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ by Norman Vincent Peale circa 1970. This was the first of many self-help books based on taking control of our thinking and adapting a more positive attitude. This has been borne out by the growth in Positive Psychology in varied disciplines including sports coaching and self-development. In many ways the growth of Life Coaching has occurred in response of these findings. Top athletes and performers do not achieve their best without the constant support and motivation of their coach. Ordinary people are similarly experiencing the benefits of hiring a Life Coach to help them to:- §         Become focussed on what they want and not what they settle for.§         Improve confidence and self esteem.§         Be organised and motivated.§         Get support in setting goals and then breaking them down into small achievable steps.§         To be held accountable for doing what they said they would do.§         Be in tune with the spiritual side of their personality to create balance in their hectic lives.§         Getting clarification on issues/worries and learning new powerful perspectives which increase happiness. §         To re-focus and set priorities §         Change their career.§         Improve their relationships.§         Unblock obstacles that are holding them back.§         Improve positive self-talk§         Learn new, positive ways of thinking.§         Get empowered and increase happiness.  Life Coaching is not rocket science, or pseudo psychology, it is a common sense approach which draws on the disciplines of positive psychology, business concepts, philosophy and spirituality. It has been developed to counter-balance the hectic, stressful world we sometimes find ourselves in, with little time to get love and support from our friends and family. I am a trained Social Worker and hold both a BA Honours Degree in Social Sciences and a Masters Degree in Social Work. I have 15 years experience in helping others to generate solutions to their problems. As well as a practical approach, I bring a spiritual dimension to my coaching through my training as a Yoga teacher and my discipline of daily Yoga practice. My Life Coaching motivates and encourages you to find your answers within  I do not coach from a perspective that my own life has been plain sailing but rather that when times have got tough, that’s when we learn our most valuable lessons and personally grow and develop. As the old adage says; ‘the man that has never made a mistake, has never done anything’   So, if you have read this far, and feel that you too could use some support/motivation to stick to your New Year’s resolutions and make 2007 your year, then call me on 01270 627441 from the comfort of your own home. My coaching takes place over the phone and lasts 60 minutes. The first session is FREE and without any obligation! Coaching sessions can be arranged to suit your other commitments, but are generally scheduled once a week with a follow up e-mail. SO BEAT THOSE WINTER BLUES AND CALL CAROLE ON  01270 627441 FOR YOUR FREE COACHING SESSION. YOU REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!       

The Magic of Coaching!

The past twelve months have been my most challenging year of my life but I have remained, in the main, happy within my self with the support of the ICA community. When things seemed to be getting on top me I would read someone’s blog or go onto the discussion board and soak up the positive energy! However, I started to get very stressed just before Christmas, which is always a bad time when you have lost a loved one. I was trying to cope with my mum who has experienced chronic anxiety and depression since the loss her partner and then my brother this year. I was keeping busy, trying to stay positive and although I could mentally deal with all the emotional stress, on top of a demanding full- time job, my stress started to manifest itself physically. I developed a stress related skin condition and just felt very stretched beyond my normal resilience, and my itchy skin was driving me bonkers!  Once this started to happen I thought, now as a coach what do I need to do?  

• Look after myself?
• Ask for help and support?
• Be kind to myself?
• Identify the issues?

  So I booked myself in with the local Chinese Doctor for acupuncture and after my first session I booked five other sessions to ensure that I would continue  to look after myself. I then asked for help from a coach I had connected with from reading her blog.  We booked a session and she kindly offered me her support. That afternoon in England I rang Vicki in Canada.  I sat in my bedroom watching the winter sun slowly going down and talked through my concerns. I had a sack full of emotions to manage and to cope with following the untimely death of my brother and the demands of an aging and very ill parent. Vicki listened, supported, championed and guided me to put in some structures of support. These included:-  

• Let go of the outcome  ( I had been willing my mum to recover, and felt angry that she was so ill as a result of what my brother had put her through)
• Imagine a glass partition between myself and my mum – this was because I had got hooked into a pattern of being the protector and the rescuer and I had run out of energy to continue with these roles whilst dealing with my own issues. I felt trapped, with no where to escape to.  
• Boundaries This was about realistic expectations of me on my mums part.

• Acceptance   I needed to accept that my mum was how she was now and not imagine that one day she would just snap back into her old self.

  

• Guilt management and handling the feelings of guilt – I felt that my mum was manipulating me using guilt and I was becoming resentful.

• Letting go of the past.
• Vicki sensitively and expertly unpicked these emotions and gave me a frame work to apply.

 The next time I was with my mum I put these tools in place … and wow!! What a difference. I was calmer because I was more detached which broke the habit pattern of twenty years.  

• I accepted the situation as it was which diluted the emotional pain.
• Letting go of the past and the death of my brother. This tool was particularly useful for me as I now realise that I was stuck in an angry place and was picking the scabs each time I saw my mum.
• The tools Vicki suggested released me from a negative and destructive pattern based on hurt, injustice and frustration.
• By adopting the tools I set myself free.
• This enabled me to connect with my mum better than I had done for 12 months. It put me in a place where I could counsel her about moving on and healing and looking forward to a brighter future. This was supported by me constantly saying to myself “let go of the past”.  
• We sat together and talked and from my new place of calmness I could care and support her and be positive again.

 I have just experienced, yet again, the power of coaching and its ability to make massive emotional shifts by applying well crafted tools and holding a person in unconditional positive regard. A special thank you to Vicki for her time and expertise and for being in my corner during this difficult time for me.  

Finding Peace in the Grip of Death

Last month my brother Phil died, he was two years older then me.  I wasn’t sure if I should write about his untimely death but decided that I needed to in order to work through the process of grief and bereavement. I needed to step over this before I could naturally carry on with my own life. 

It is one of those life changing or perspective changing experiences, when we lose someone who really shouldn’t have died. It wasn’t unexpected but still very hard. You see, he had a drink dependency that began to spiral out of control about six years ago and when he lapsed after his first detoxification I knew things weren’t looking good. These past six years have been incredibly difficult and have evoked a range of emotions ranging from anger, helplessness, frustration, compassion, pain, bewilderment and disbelief at seeing my beloved brother slowly killing himself. From where I was standing he was determined to shorten his like and there was absolutely nothing I could about it.

From my professional experience I have worked with problem drinkers and I could not believe that this was happening within my family, but then again I thought why not my family? These tragedies happen in someones family. The fact that he was an intelligent man who was dearly loved seemed to make not an ounce of difference.  The last few years of his life was like living in the underworld; sleeping during the day and drinking at night. Is alcoholism an illness? Who knows?  It’s like watching someone drowning and being unable to help. Of reaching out to help and then getting stung because of the lack of boundaries.  The problems he caused me and the destruction he seemed to want to drag me into meant that I had to distance myself from him. The fact that he lived at home with my elderly mum meant that the negative effects rippled immediately around us.

In January this year my mum  became too ill herself to continue with the stress and stain he had placed on her and the rest of the family so when he went into hospital again for a second detoxification she told him that he needed to find his own place. That week I was glued to the telephone in my efforts to make sure he was picked up by the welfare system. After spending sometime living with a friend he was allocated his own flat having been referred to a Social worker who assisted this process.

 He continued to drink alcohol immediately following his discharge knowing full well that his vital organs were damaged.His decline lasted a few more months before his essential organs started to pack up and he was admitted into hospital.   Once in the hospital he stopped cooperating with his treatment which meant that his condition deteriorated faster and he was moved to the high dependency unit.

The shock and realisation that his end was upon him filled me with absolute dread. Deep down I had held onto the hope that everything was going to be alright, that he would go into rehab’ and get better; and that his talents and his personality would return, but alas this was not be to. My older brother advised me not to go to the hospital because he believed I would have nightmares. Up until now I had not known what I would might say to him and could not envisage a visit  which would comfort either of us but things were different now, I needed to go and be there for him but the only way I could do this in any meaningful way was to forgive him first.  Forgive him for the trouble, pain, hurt and destruction he had reaped. That night I sat down with a beer and wrote him a letter and then I put the most important bits on a card. When I went to see him, yes it was shocking, and yes it was upsetting, but the thing I remember was that without the alcohol inside him he had returned to the brother that I had lost so many years ago. He had often been passively aggressive towards me when he was drinking but this time he was just himself. He was unable to talk much but was conscious of who was there and his spirit was present.  The following day he got worse and we all knew it would not be long. Despite the pain I felt that I was in the right and proper place and stroked his head and held his hand.

The following day I went but he had got worse, Phil was hooked up to a lot of machines and completely out of it, his eyes were at the top of his head most of the time. However during the visit he suddenly opened his eyes wide and they appeared to return to the vivid blue they used to be. I’d like to think that he suddenly became aware that he was surrounded by people who loved him and that he had glimpsed the after life. I told him that I was there for Mum as she was too ill to attend.

That night he slipped away. 

The following seven days between his passing and his funeral were… I struggle to find one or even two words to describe what I felt there were so many emotions all of which were consumed by a deep sadness and loss. I had lost my beloved brother  I did get through it… I felt that I was held in the arms of humanity that week as I arranged the funeral. I felt close to Phil and talked and berated him that week. I told him what he would be wearing. We’d decided his biker jacket would be good and remind him of happier times. I also told him off for wasting his life!   

During that week I tried to focus on the positives of a desperately sad situation.  

• He’d had a good death surrounded by friends and family and had not died alone in his flat -something I had worried about a lot.
• My friend Jeanette appeared from the woodwork, having lost touch with her for ten years. She came to the hospital with me on the last day and said all the right things and was just brilliant. She was like an angel.
• My friend Harry elected to be Phil’s social worker coincidence? I don’t think so…
• My partner who is a trained nurse and was a rock.
• My colleagues at work are just the best and have been so supportive during this difficult year.
• Three years ago I joined the international coaching community and embarked on my coach training. One of our requirements was to come up with our own POWER TOOL. Mine was about the Power of Forgiveness. In the power tool I described how the use of forgiveness is very much for the person doing the forgiving rather then the person receiving the forgiveness. In many cases they won’t be aware that they are being forgiven, because to tell the person is not necessary for the magic to the work.
• Having these tools was perfect.
• My gift from God my horse and best therapist ever, Cherry Blossom an Irish Drought x Thoroughbred mare.
• My other animals of course Harry my collie dog and Milo my big orange cat.
• The Baptist Minister turned out to be a colleague who had retired my about eight years ago and so someone I had previously known.
• Phil’s friends who had lost contact towards the end were a great help and comfort. Bill suggested a song at the end which was just perfect. He and I kept this a secret and so when “Always look on the bright side of life “was played from the Life of Brian it lifted everyone’s spirit and brought a smile to everyone’s faces.
• I had gathered the troops and arranged a Wake at a local hotel.
• I got old photos from times before the alcohol set in and arranged them on a pin board with the support of Jeanette. This went well and helped fade the horrible images I had in my head from the hospital.
• I saw many friends and acquaintances I haven’t seen for twenty years.
• On the day of the funeral the phone rang 6 of 7 times and each time I picked it up there was no line?? I looked up and said “look Phil everything’s in place and you’re going to have a really good send off!
• I was glad that he had contacted me it was as though he had appreciated everything I had done to give him a good send off.
• So I bid farewell to my brother Phil and believe that he is now at peace and his spirit will live on. Although he was an absolute pain he had a good soul and many endearing characteristics which will be missed.
• God bless you Phil.

 If anyone asked me what I had learnt from all this it would be that.  

•   No matter how bad things get we can get through them with help and support from each other.       
• The power of thoughts and warmth from people with get us through.       
•  Look for the positives, they are always there.
• Love is enduring and everlasting and undoubtedly the most important thing we possess. 

I searched the net to find an appropriate reading and found this one written by St Francis of Assisi

“Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life”

   

Being astonished! cookers, cleaning and power tools

Being Astonished! cookers, cleaning and power tools.  A couple of weeks ago I was off work with a virus, it was the sort of virus where you feel okay for about two hours and then you experience the effects of the bug washing over you, draining energy and making you feel the need to lie down immediately! As I was at home wondering just how I was going to manage this and perhaps do something useful during the high spots I noticed just how dirty my cooker was. That’s not to say that I hadn’t noticed it before, I knew it was greasy and horrible and also knew that it was take ages to clean. Having time on my hands and thinking that it was a do-able job  given my state of health, I decided give it a try, after all, there’s only so much feeling sorry for yourself that I was willing to allow myself. I figured it was a good way of distracting myself from the – oh aren’t I feeling poorly routine!  I had brought a new cleaning product and thought I would give it a test drive.   So I started in a small corner and worked on a three inch area of the glass door. Well I was impressed! I decided that cleaning the door would be my “poorly project”, something I could tackle and then feel good about –the cooker was something I had over looked for years. You see, the cooker was bought second-hand for thirty quid, it was not exactly sparking clean when I got it, and as it was just to, get by for a while, type of cooker, I neglected it and tolerated its shoddy state. This undoubtedly had a knock on effect towards using it and cooking terrifically healthy meals on it.  One thing led to another and during the following three days I unscrewed bits of the cooker and gave it a thoroughly good clean, including pulling it out and cleaning behind it. This normally only gets done when I am moving it to decorate once every four years!Well! was I pleased with myself? you bet! I could now run my fingers over the cooker and feel the cleanness instead of lumpy bits of grease.   HAVING THE RIGHT TOOLS  This got me thinking … I had got the right tools for the task in hand. This was a new product and different to the old trusted product. There are many new products on the market to make cleaning easier and I had completely over looked them, preferring to stick with what I knew and what I had used and not step out of my comfort zone.  How many times do we do this? Stick with the same pattern of thinking? the same way of doing things? using the same old tools for the job even though there are better ones out there? In coaching we use an array of tools and pick the right POWER TOOL for the right person. In a coaching session we may use a number of tools. Power tools are exactly that… very powerful! They help clients to:-  §         find a new empowering perspective§         identify areas in their lives that they tolerating ( just like me and the cooker)  §         explore areas that have been neglected  §         empower the client to use the right tools for that particular challenge these might be  §         Truth v Fraud – Was it true that I had neglected my cooker for five years? was it truth that I had been stepping over the issue?  §         Action v Delay – What obstacles were standing in my way to not do this job? What thoughts and feelings needed to be stepped over to do the task?  §         Game v Significant – how could I break the task down into small steps to stop me getting overwhelmed and depressed about the time it was taking out of my life?  §         Responsibility v Blame – whose cooker was it? Who used it? that would me than!  §         Commitment v Trying- I had the time, the opportunity, and the desire to improve this appliance even though it was old and cheap.  §         Response v Reaction- Was I carrying around an Underlying Automatic commitment UAC? Yes I think I was; I was probably feeling sorry for myself about not owning a really nice stainless steel cooker and having to put up with this crappy, cheap, dirty white one. Where was the CHOICE here? I was planning to have an extension and have a large kitchen and then I was going to spend my hard earned cash on a new one.  §         Trust v Doubt – I trust that I would have new one sometime and then I would celebrate!  Evaluation of outcome.   By committing myself to the project, breaking it down into small steps, stepping over the obstacles and seeing it through, I now have the pleasure of a really clean cooker. The difference is that I keep it that way now – using my new cleaning products. We too can keep our emotional intelligence in good health my applying new products or tools – all in all it makes life easier and leaves us with more time just to enjoy our precious time.  Just like committing to coaching as I committed myself to getting the cooker cleaned by giving this area time I am now blessed with positive effects of the effect it took. MY CHALLENGE TO YOU – is to look to see if there is an area in your own life which you have been putting off and putting off. Collect the right tools break it down and then as the Nike advert says Just Do it! I would love to hear from you about this and what you did. Of course if you would like some support take advantage of a FREE 30 minute coaching session with me.  For those who are interested I went on to the ASTONISH website because I was truly astonished with this product and wanted to know what else they did. Well a few days after my cooker cleaning marathon I went to visit a friend and got chatting to his Mum about Astonish and there I was… I suddenly felt that I was on an advert for Astonish because she took me into her larder and showed me what looked like the full range ‘cos she too was impressed. Needless to say I now have the full range and continue to be astonished. I tried the carpet shampoo and that was good! For those of you like me with “compulsive wiping up syndrome” this is the site for you…  www.astonish.com       

In Celebration of Life, the Universe and Everything

Since I started my professional Life Coach Training with ICA I have learnt so many new and valuable things one of which is the importance of learning to celebrate our achievements. We live in a world( particularly the world of work) where we are motivated by fear and worry. It is rare to get praise for doing the ordinary day to day stuff which we may be doing exceptionally well. This climate has a knock- on effect in that we find that we motivating ourselves by self criticism and loathing.

At ICA I have learnt the value of celebrating. I remember my first teleclass on the subject of celebration and it just seemed so foreign to be saying well, how am I going to reward myself for my hard work? By going through to process of choosing to celebrate it makes it special and exciting.

By making a conscious commitment to reward ourselves it produces a lightness and optimism within us.

It really is amazing what a difference it makes to the task in hand if we build in mile stones of celebration and reward.

My Celebration

Is to be alive! Today in the longest day of the year and apart from being a spiritually special day, twenty- two years ago I had a terrible riding accident which involved my mare collapsing on the road, my hat falling off, and me falling off her backwards .I landed on the concrete road directly on my head and fractured my skull and had a brain hemorrhage.

Such a fall would ordinarily be fatal. For me, however, I was being looked after by the universe or God or a higher power, which put in place for me a nurse, who was traveling to work on the same road and she was literally right behind me. How lucky was that? I’m sure we could spend time discussing whether indeed it was luck, divine intervention, karma or chance, but whatever it was, I am eternally grateful.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – Neitzsche – German philosopher (1844 -1900)

One of the many valuable things I have learnt during my training has been that our antagonists are indeed angels in disguise. My accident left me with brain damage for five long years and initially I lost my ability to coordinate my hands. The experience taught me so may things and started my life-long journey of self discovery. Up until this point my life, apart from always loving the countryside, was dominated by politics. Although after my accident I realised that no amount of politics was going to help me now.

I started to look for the answers within and this was the gift for me. I started in my mid twenties and continued to read books to improve my emotional- intelligence and self- development so that I can best serve my fellow human kind.

I went on to train as a Yoga Teacher and returned to University and completed a Masters Degree in Social Work.

So today is special and I celebrate all that is good in my life.

May I challenge you to think of something or somebody who at the time caused you pain and sorrow but now, when you look back, you are able to see that the challenge enabled you to grow and get stronger.

It’s true! the universe really does look after us.

I wanted to share this Aha moment with you because it really has strengthened my faith. I have, for a long time believed that life is full of balance. When I reflect back on the darker times of my life, there has always been a ray of sunshine in there somewhere. It may have been having a horse or a good friendship with someone or the weather being particularly nice. I do believe that the universe really does look after us. This may not be totally apparent at the time, but if you wait long enough and look hard enough, I promise you, you’ll find it.

I have had a family crisis just waiting to happen for the past twenty years involving my alcoholic brother and my aging mum. As the years went by, with the situation getting worse and worse, I used to worry myself sick. I tried everything- cajoling, shouting, being patient, getting angry but I could not change the situation and it was like waiting for a car crash to happen. The thing was that he lived at home with my mum and she did everything for him and he continued to stay well past his fortieth birthday. He had become totally reckless and wouldn’t let anyone help and had no motivation to stop drinking. My mum and brother had developed an unhealthy dysfunctional co dependency for which I could do nothing about, apart from worry of course.

Being an action person the situation used to drive me insane. As the years went by I worried about how I was going to cope with an aging mum plus alcoholic brother with whom my relationship was strained to say the least.

I would imagine what it was going to be like and get myself into a fretful state internally. My favourite time to torture myself with these imaginings was when I have hoovering up! I remember finishing my housework feeling so tense and wound- up but having really no idea why. These imaginings caused me anxiety, stress, insecurity and panic.

With the benefit of coaching and my continued reading of self development literature and positive psychology, I came to understand that the mind thinks it’s preparing ourselves for a looming disaster and that some how it’s necessary to rehearse this. so that when the time comes we are ready for it. It’s a bit like us saying- now don’t get too cosy, something is bound to go wrong.

The situation started to come to a head two years ago and eventually he moved out in January of this year. After much coaching, persuasion and pure will power on my part, I managed to get my mum to realise that this situation would kill her. She took the opportunity not to have him return home when he went into hospital for a detoxification. I then worked really hard to ensure that he was picked up by the system. He now lives independently and has a social worker from the alcohol team.

The stress and trauma of the situation has now left my mum very ill with depression and in need of as much support as I can give her.

Although in many ways the past two years has been really challenging I have been in a really strong place to cope with it. I can honestly say that I have never been happier. My relationship with my partner is very strong, my friendships are good I have trusted colleagues at work and am physically fit and well. Although the stress is around me all the time I feel calm.

So, how has this happened?

I focus on what is right in front me – live in moment. By this I mean I let go of the things I have no control over.

I reassure myself that I have done everything possible to help the situation and don’t allow myself to either feel guilty, or be manipulated by guilt. As coaches we recognise that feeling guilty infers that we have done something wrong; so I take the judgment away and see what I’ve got left.

Keeping busy. I have done this my setting about a big spring- clean of my house and garden, tidying, creating and the best therapy of all, nurturing plants and flowers.

Don’t take it personally – For many years I felt ashamed- this was my family! This shame meant that I didn’t talk to people and the negative emotions became charged. I now adopt the Buddhist perspective – shit happens !

I have practiced self care and continued by daily yoga practice.

I have learnt a big lesson here, that I, and undoubtedly all of us, have a tendency to catastrophise. In that we see a problem as a catastrophe and doubt our coping abilities

What is true is that the universe has been looking after me. It has balanced the negatives with the positives and given me the strength to deal with this situation and put things in place to support me. The universe has provided me with a loving, supportive partner, a network of good friends, a positive healthy life style – I have a lovely horse called Cherry Blossom, who is such good therapy for me, and a fantastic dog called Harry.

Whatever your challenges right now have a look to see what the universe has put in place to help you through it.

One of the things that the universe has given me is now looking up at me and saying “when are you going to get off that computer and take me for a walk? – I’m off to the park for some fun and fresh air!

 

My Challenge

When I was 24 years old, a year after I graduated with a Social Sciences Degree ,I had a fluke accident on the horse I had rescued and fell on my head ( my chin strap had broken the previous week and I had not gotten around to buying a new hat) My mare collapsed ( I think perhaps stung by a wasp on her sensitive bits because she was fine afterwards) I , however, took a sharp exit over her hindquarters, hat falling off,leaving my skull to connect directly with the road. I fractured my skull and had a brain hemorrhage This was critical and if it hadn’t been for the nurse who was traveling behind me in her car I would either have died, or been permanently brain- damaged.What divine intervention! It still makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up just talking about it. The nurse stopped; turned my head over to the right so that the blood would drain away. The result of this near- fatal accident was that I sustained a head injury and damaged the parts of my brain responsible for speech and coordination. To begin with I found it hard to walk and get dressed, but that soon returned; the speech took longer – five years in fact to completely recover and even then there were still words that I fluffed up.

I had to re learn to read, spell and enunciate and get back to work as soon as I could because the money was running out and I still had a horse to keep and they just eat money!

After I got over feeling very very grateful for being alive ( coincidentally a friend died of head injuries within a month of my accident; when he hit his head on a tree when he fell off his motorbike , but unlike me there was no guardian angel to help him) The challenge for me was to not get despondent about the time it would take for me to recover.

I started to read out loud; I laughed at my mistakes; I focussed on what I could do and not what I couldn’t; I took comfort in the kindness of friends and strangers; I continued to love my horse, after all an accident is just that, an accident. When struggling with some simple spelling I took comfort in reading a Pooh Bear story where Pooh goes to see the Wise Old Owl because he couldn’t spell Tuesday and he later came to the conclusion that it’s sometimes not important to know how to spell Tuesday!

So what did this experience teach me?

This recovery period taught me to have patience, to appreciate the small achievements I made and to take one slow step at at a time. Up until that point in my life I had had an active political conscious and held beliefs about change being made through a collection of people the expression ” If you cannot change the world change yourself ” came to mind and no amount of political action was going to help me now!I realised that change came on an individual basis and that’s what I needed to do. I never gave up on the belief that one day my brain would heal and be fully functioning again. It taught me humility, that being an clever didn’t really matter that much. I learnt the value of peace and quiet and to value just being.

What did it teach me about others? That some people had more patience that others and that some people could be cruel ( well,that was my interpretation at the time, if they took the mickey out of me for not being able to speak properly)

This challenge I think made me a better person, it made me question my value base and set new ones. It made me slow down and look at the world around me. It made me observe more and talk less.

This experience has enabled me to help others through recovery and given me a faith that we can all heal eventually. My experience will benefit my past and future clients to break what ever their challenge is into small, doing steps . It has given me and enduring trust that the universe looks after us.

Dragging the past around!

Many of us drag the past around in our heads; old hurts, grudges, memories – both good and bad. This can get very tiring and serves us no purpose at all. We may have heard of the Buddhist wisdom of LIVING IN THE PRESENT but it is not that easy. Our brains get wired up to plan ahead, reflect back, and living right here right now, is sometimes challenging. So how can we help ourselves do it?

• Go to each room in your house and ask yourself the question – does everything in this room support me right here right now. If not, pack it up and take it away.

This is not to say we cannot keep momentums and things from the past, but only the things which support us.
Speaking to someone who has just accomplished a massive clear out I can’t tell you just how good it feels! Well actually I can, and I will.

• I collected so many bags of cloths, most of which I still really liked but asked myself the question- have I worn this in the past six months? if not out it goes.
• Books and bric-a-brac were sold at a car-boot sale which we did last week.
• Cloths, books and rugs were donated to charity.
• Not only did I get a sense of re-cycling to help the planet, I also cleared my mind and brought it into the present.

So I would urge you all to have a go. Have a spring- clean and enjoy the mental as well as the physical benefit of ditching things from the past.
Whilst I have been writing this a cartoon drawing came to mind which I saw on a post card years ago. For those of you who are cat lovers you will be able to relate to this, if you have ever done your Christmas present wrapping with your cat in the same room. You know they cannot resist sitting in the cardboard box!

The picture was just that, a cat sitting in a box with a wrapping ribbon next to it and the caption was” living in the present”
So welcome the spring and summer in by first ditching the past and living in the present. I promise you the pay off is wonderful there’s no stopping me now each and every room has been looked at in that way.