The Power of Forgiveness

The Power of Forgiveness

 

 

What would it be like to live your life without guilt?

 

The Oxford English dictionary defines guilt as:-

 

a) The fact or state of having done something wrong or committed an offence.

b) Responsibility for a criminal or moral offence, deserving punishment or penalty.

c) Remorse or self reproach caused by a feeling that one is responsibility for a wrong doing or an offence.

This  concept may be  reinforced  by certain religious ideologies ,  which  hold the view that  mankind  was  born  sinful and imperfect. This belief can have a negative effect on the way we perceive ourselves.

Guilt is used to control, punish and manipulate people. It is used by parents, because it is a very effective way of controlling behaviour, and it works!

 

A person brought up with guilt can be recognised on a number of levels. Adult manifestations of this are visible when people say things that reflect that:-

1. They are undeserving of good things happening to them, they feel inadequate (also called the fear of success) during my coach training this was identified as a U.A.C.  Underlying Automatic Commitments or Limiting Self Belief; in hypnotherapy it is referred to as Premature Cognitive Commitment.   It all means similar things.

2.  They practice destructive self criticism.  

People who say “I am always late, I cannot remember names”  “I am rubbish at this or that” are all stuck in a habit of self criticism; it is likely that others can use guilt on them quite easily.

 

Brian Tracy in his paper  “The  Psychology of  Achievement “believes that the world is divided up  into” guilt throwers” and “ guilt  catchers” and  like  a  magnet, guilt throwers and  guilt  catchers  are drawn to  one another and  produce off spring  who become  guilt throwers and  guilt catchers.

It can be described as an intrinsic feature of human personalities.   

 

RECOGNISING GUILT.

It is useful to identify any underlying UACs this can be done by listening to:-   

Victim language This is a plea that the person is not guilty

I am sorry…

I didn’t mean to…

It’s not my fault…

Each statement is trying to absolve responsibility. Other statements may include:-

I wish I could lose weight…

I wish  I  could get  a  better  job ( but I  know I can’t )  when we say” I wish” we are  relaying to our subconscious that  we are not in control of  our own lives.

To change this guilt based UACs we can:-

1. Make a commitment not criticise ourselves and other people.

2. Refuse not to be manipulated by guilt; if you notice this encourage yourself to say to the person stop! Are you trying to make me feel guilty here “? and smile.

 

3. Refuse to use guilt or blame on anyone else. When we blame we look back to what cannot be undone, when we take responsibility, we can look forward.

4. One of the most power responses to guilt is the POWER OF FORGIVENESS  

Most people carry around bitterness and anger from the past.

Having recognised victim language we may want to ask some higher level questions to explore why we feel that we have done something wrong.  To explore this further it may be helpful to:-

• First forgive our parents. Many of us are still angry about what our parents did or did not do for us.

Parents are normal people and they make mistakes.  Forgive your parents 100% for all the injustices you may feel that they bestowed upon you. (See Philip Larkin’s poem about parents)

• Make a statement to yourself or write it down in the form of a letter.

We cannot interact with our parents as friends and adults until we have forgiven them.

• Then encourage yourself to forgive anyone else!!!

We need to be free and generous towards others and keep on forgiving each other each and everyday.  It’s important to note that you do not have to like the person to forgive them. The process of forgiveness is for your benefit and not theirs.  

• Forgive yourself and for all the mistakes you have made.   

 

Suggestions for self development    

1. Choose one person who has used guilt on you and write a letter to them (not necessarily to post) telling them that you now forgive them.

How did this make you feel?

2. Choose a person who has upset you (wronged you) in the past two weeks and decide to forgive them.

How did this make you feel?

3. Notice ways that you may criticise yourself and ask yourself “would you talk to your best friend like this?”  And the reasons why you would not.

4. To change the pattern of self criticism make a game of it. Each time you notice that you are being self destructive. Stop and smile and choose to forgive and let go. 

5 Remember the Lord’s Prayer “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and put it into practice each and every day.  

By doing this we let go of the past and stop dragging it around with us which supports us in living in the present and living in the now, not the past not the future but the here and now.

 

Live in the present

Let go on the past

Trust in the future